I had other dreams, but this one was the most vivid. This dream had more at the beginning that I simply cannot recall.

The dream ended without anyone getting killed. But it was traumatic, the pleading and the anxiety from trying to prevent him from killing. Physically, I could have taken him down. But I felt the need to talk him down, instead. And it worked. The end was anticlimactic, yet I can’t shake it.

Honestly, I think God went ahead and healed my heart and my spirit. It’s something I’ve prayed about for a long time, but then just accepted that it might be something I had to keep medicated. He drew me far enough away from this world to gain some real perspective. Far enough away to let go of things and accept things for what they are. Far enough away to see what does and does not matter. And I am grateful.

I am grateful for a loving and adoring husband who puts my needs even before his own – always has and always will. That is one of the biggest blessings of my life. Not many women find a man who is truly so loving. I am grateful for two beautiful, smart, and loving daughters who brighten my day and bring me more pleasure and love than I thought this life could offer. I am grateful to have a home full of love, friendship, and laughter. I am grateful for friends, good food, and wine. I am grateful for a car that runs like a dream and has since we got it nine years ago. I am grateful to never have to worry about bills; that my husband provides for us so perfectly; that God has made it all possible. I am grateful to find those of the same Spirit in online places where we can congregate. I am grateful for family who loves me: both mine and my husband’s!

I am blessed, happy, and full of the most sincere gratitude. And I thank God for His healing power!

I don’t feel as deeply when I’m medicated. And maybe that’s the point. Depression is an intense feeling. But I miss the intensity of other feelings: love, joy, and spiritual awareness. Oddly enough, I feel like I lose some of each of those when I’m on Zoloft. So, even though I’ve only been on a few weeks and I feel much better, I’m already planning to start weaning myself off again.

The people who have caused me the most turmoil have left the island for the summer. Yippee! But with them, many of my friends have moved and are in the process of moving. Within the next two weeks, I’ll have watched half of those I love move to other countries. Not easy. I’ve made peace with family situations. I think, in about two weeks, I’ll start cutting my dose in half. Yup… that’s a good plan.

With prayer and God’s strength, I can do this…

We have the Mother/Daughter tea this morning. I cannot relax and just enjoy it b/c I’m running it. My girls are excited and it WILL be fun… but I’m never just the spectator. And I’m tired. I have too many things going on and no break or end in site. I think I may just have to take a break from everything. Well, everything except photography. You don’t cancel shoots that are already scheduled. But I’m doing so much that I don’t feel like I have time to enjoy any of it. Not good.

But even the photography… As much as I enjoy it, I have to make time to edit the pictures. Which I DO make time for, but it is worked into an already overcrowded schedule. I enjoy it, which is why I do it for next to nothing. Here in GTMO, the only way you can get away with having a business that MWR doesn’t run is by making it a donation-based “service.” So I do. I’m not going to answer to MWR and give them 20% for them doing absolutely nothing. Every once in a while, I get a donation that is close to what I would require should I have set prices. But more often than not, I get less than what people pay their babysitters. And you know, it isn’t about the money, which is why I don’t do anything to change it. My husband makes more money than we need – truly, we are blessed. But if it’s about doing something I enjoy and giving back to the community, then what happens when the enjoyment part disappears? It all starts to feel like obligation. Then what?

I’m rambling. I guess what I need to determine is what to maintain and what to let go of. I love being a mommy. I love it SO much. It is by far my favorite of the things I do. And you know, I’d love a week of doing only that… just being a mommy. Taking my girls to the pool… taking them to the beach… heck, taking them to the park out back to play!

I’m tired. I’ll admit it. Not physically tired. God has blessed me with a sick amount of physical energy and I am grateful. But I’m tired of obligating myself to things I don’t feel appreciated for that also take away from the things I would rather be doing.

So… maybe I remove myself from some things and try being a spectator for a while. If that doesn’t do the trick… then I guess I’ll be giving Zoloft another spin.

Zoe woke and cried out during the night, which disrupted my dream. I lay there, awake, seeing if she would fall back asleep or if I should go to her. She cried out again, but Giff got up and went to her. I lay there, awake, pondering my dream.

A large, old woman walked up beside the bed. She held out a thick, warm white blanket. I hesitated, because I wanted to ponder the dream. She said, “This dream should not concern you. Now, roll to me and rest.” I was wide awake. I thought, “This is a vision. What does this mean?” But the need to feel warmth and rest overwhelmed me. I rolled to the edge of the bed where the woman laid the blanket over me. It was warm and I fell back into a deep sleep, waking only when my alarm went off.

Hmmmm…

I woke this morning from a series of dreams that were similar, two of which were vivid enough for the main parts to be easily recalled. Saying I’m a little rattled is a bit of an understatement.

In one dream, I am out with Giff. Not sure if we were at a club or dinner, but we were sitting in a booth and a man was trying to get my attention… trying to catch my eye. When I looked at him, he tried to hold my stare, but I looked away. He came over to me and leaned in to whisper, “You can’t watch them all the time. You have to look away some time.” He was talking about my daughters and it shook me up. I told Giff and he said the guy was probably just trying to creep me out. It worked.

In the other very vivid dream, we were still in a booth of some sort and Giff had gotten up for some reason. As I was sitting there, a man came over in the context of buying me a drink. He sat down beside me and before I could question this, he leaned and very quietly whispered, “You can’t always be there. You have to look away some time. And when you do, I’m going to kill them.” I was shocked, but the man tried to quietly slip away. I jumped up and shouted after him, “If you so much as look at them, I will kill you! Do you understand me? I will KILL you!!!” I kept shouting this until everyone was looking at me like I had lost my mind.

I was a little shaky this morning and had a hard time shaking the dreams. I wondered, are these dreams warnings of some sort? Are they meant to be physical or spiritual in nature? I felt the need to be on guard, but against what?

So… I knew I needed to keep a watchful eye on my daughters and to pray.

We went to storytime at the library this morning. We stood outside the library and I chatted with a friend for a moment. I looked up and EJ was gone. I saw a big truck speeding by and I yelled, “Ellie Jo!!! Ellie Jo!!!” She walked out from behind the vehicle next to ours and I scolded her, reminding her that she has to stay right beside me. I’m so thankful that my children listen to my and respond immediately! I’ve said it before, but obedience can mean the difference between life and death when it comes to young children.

This, of course, parallels us and our heavenly Father. But the life and death concerning obedience is then of a spiritual nature. But that’s a whole other post, isn’t it? And I digress…

I had a hard time shaking what could have happened when EJ walked away from me, but was relieved that she was fine.

From the library, we went to the pool. I had packed a pool bag and the girls knew where we were heading next. We swam and played. Zoe tried out her new goggles and swim cap (LOVES them!) and we enjoyed our time in the water. Before it was time to leave, the lifeguards turned on the water slide so Zoe could get her sliding time in. She loves that water slide! But she has to wear her swim vest – the water is way over her head where the slide drops her into the water.

Ellie Jo and I pulled up a chair near the slide and watched Zoe as she repeatedly made her way down the water slide. SO cute to see Ellie Jo cheer her sister on! And Zoe was enjoying her swim vest, swim cap, and goggles. She keeps trying to learn to back float and to swim on her back. Then she toyed with turning over like a log roll in the water. She was having a great time! Then she decided to take her swim vest off… in the deep end of the pool. Ever watchful, I was right on top of it. I jumped in and swam her to the ladder. I scolded her and reminded her that she HAS to wear her vest in the deep end of the pool.

At this point, I was just ready to go home. Our day has many more things on the “to do” list… and I am watchful and fearful as the day continues. I told Giff about my dreams so that he can be on guard as well.

But it’s definitely a praying kind of day…

I remember my daddy telling me, “Just wait until you’re my age – something always hurts.” I didn’t pay much mind to that. I couldn’t wrap my head around the idea of constant pain or discomfort. It happens gradually. And, well, you get used to it.

Emotional pain is a bit like that.

My personality hasn’t changed much since I was a kid, but my actions and words have to varying degrees. I believe in the creeds I grew up with: “Do unto others…” and “Two wrongs don’t make a right” and things of that nature. I try very hard to be nice to everyone. I go out of my ways to show kindness to people and to be helpful – to be a servant. When I am poorly received, I have to remind myself that it is not for them that I do it, but for God. And God sees all, including my heart.

I’m not saying I never mess up. That would be a lie. Sometimes my own nature takes over and my words can bite. But it takes much provoking for me to find myself in that situation. God has taught me a lot of patience and gentleness: something I was not born with a wealth of, but God has painstakingly honed in me. And I am grateful.

But back to pain.

The longer I know people, the more candid they are with me. And I do appreciate directness. But that does not make it hurt any less. I host a coffee at my house every week. It gives the local ladies a place to meet and chat about everything and nothing. The conversations are usually light and upbeat, sometimes drifting to situations with our children, dinner ideas, and every other boring, yet interesting, topic under the sun. Then I find out that people who have never even been to one of my coffees have this idea that all we do is sit around and complain and gossip. Wow. That hurts. And it couldn’t be further from the truth. My coffees are open to everyone and I post the invitation weekly… yet people still come up with such awful notions. Yup. It hurts.

And my friends are also quite candid once they’ve gotten to know me. Apparently many people don’t think I’m for real when they first meet me. They think I’m fake. I’m “too happy” or “too energetic” or “too nice”… which translates into “fake” for many. Once they give themselves time to get to know me, their opinions change. That has to count for something. But it is mindblowing that no matter the truth, people are going to form opinions of you before they know you… and it hurts… it’s an uncomfortable knowledge… and it’s not likely to change.

And then there are those, even close friends of mine, that admit that they can only handle me in doses. I get it. I tend to be a rather high-energy person. I think that puts people off. Still… it stings a bit. I understand though. People who cuss frequently are in my “only handle them in doses” category. I might like the person, but I find the language hard to stomach.

The older I get, the less it hurts. This is the only opposite reaction concerning the physical pain. But with both, you grow accustomed to just living with a certain amount of it. And on a particularly hormonal or stressful day… all of it comes rushing back. And then it’s more than a little uncomfortable.

How am I going to brace my daughters for their own impending emotional battles?

I remember as a teenager, it hurt so bad when someone didn’t like me. I thought, “What did I ever do to you?” I still have that question in my mind, although now I realize that there is not a good answer. You don’t need to have done anything to offend people. My sweet husband has often told me, “Some people are going to dislike you for no other reason than the fact that others DO like you.” I hate that it matters at all to me. But… as I get older… I’m often less concerned with how others feel about me, than with how I feel about them.

There are people I dislike. And I KNOW my reasons. I don’t like people who are exceedingly negative. I don’t like people who are haughty and act like they deserve more or better than others. I don’t like people who flaunt their belonging in “exclusive” groups or situations. In fact, I’m not a fan of anything being exclusive. I’m a big fan of “open to everyone.” But at least when I don’t like people, I have reasons. But even then, I will still treat them with kindness and civility.

Anything less is simply unacceptable. And maybe this is how I will approach the topic with my own daughters one day…

For me, this is refreshing! Should I be scared that I died in her dream? Nope! What a pleasant way to go – a bump on the head?!? Sure beats some of my dreams, where I can feel the noose… or worse. This dream would truly be an answer to my prayers – so long as my children were taken first.

What disturbed her? The question: Why was I the only one taken? I was the only one who had the nose bleed and knock to the skull. That part makes sense. But in her dream, she was begging God to protect her.

I think I need to counsel Heidi more. She is definitely my most (only?) intent audience. She listens – really listens! Is this dream more for ME or HER?

I need to pray and dream.

Acts 2:17 “And it shall come to pass in the last days, saith God, I will pour out of my Spirit upon all flesh: and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, and your young men shall see visions, and your old men shall dream dreams”

Yes… prophesy… dreams… visions…

And the answer is so simple, that it is most often overlooked: “Peter said unto them, Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost.” (Acts 2:38)

Often times, in the morning, Zoe will climb on the counter and get bowls down for her and Ellie Jo. She then selects a cereal for herself and gets Ellie Jo whatever she wants. She pours the cereal, the milk, and puts spoons in the bowls – all without making messes! She even caps the milk and puts it back. The first time she did this, I was shocked. There was no warning. I didn’t even know she could. Now the shock is gone and in its place is nothing but appreciation.

Zoe has her own little fold down step stool that she pulls into the kitchen when I’m cooking or baking. She can now perfectly crack and empty an egg without making a mess. Pretty great for my just-turned-five-year-old.

Zoe is now reading full pages in her McGuffey primer, as well as doing addition using manipulatives. Her schooling is going very well and she is proud of the strides she is making. Since I’m homeschooling her, I figure she’ll be fine as long as she remains above grade level.

Ellie Jo is happy to let Zoe dote on her. She plays every imaginary game in the book and is pretty good at board games, too. She speaks and comprehends extremely well for her age. She knows her letters and numbers and pretends to read… trying to be like her big sister! Ellie sings and dances all day long. She also entertains herself when no one else is playing. She is one of the happiest kids I’ve ever seen. She is such a little dolly with her wild, curly, white hair and her giant eyes and lips. She has more magnetism than she knows what to do with.

The girls’ birthday party was a huge success. They were surrounded by friends, food, and fun. Loving relatives sent gifts and we thought they weren’t going to get here in time for the party, but most of them did. We were blessed to have a huge shipment of mail come in the Friday before the party!!! Zoe has patiently watched all of her friends have birthday parties with cake, games, and presents. She has watched them open their gifts and asked about her own birthday party. She was so very patient and it was thrilling to see the gusto with which she unwrapped gifts. As the mommy, it was also hard to keep track of who gave what… Zoe can unwrap a gift faster than I can record it! Ellie Jo, on the other hand, unwrapped a gift and walked off to play with it. She didn’t finish opening gifts until after her nap! Such different personalities!

On an entirely different topic, summer is approaching GTMO once again. Don’t get me wrong: it is warm here year-round. But it’s getting hot again and the water is getting good and comfortable. The mango trees in my backyard are hanging heavy with green mangoes… and I await the vivid colors that mark them ripe for eating! The flowers are blooming again and the critters are coming into the neighborhoods, looking for food.

I am amazed, always, by how efficient God’s systems are… the fruit that falls, unripened, to the ground gets eaten by bats and banana rats. The ants take care of whatever remains. I was on my way to the gym one morning. It was about 5:45AM and there was a dead banana rat in the middle of the road. I swerved around it and headed on my way. Upon my return, the turkey vultures had it dragged off the road and into the edge of the bushes and weeds, already tearing apart its carcass. Later that afternoon, on my way to the store, there was no sign that an animal had even been there. Perfect systems. At least until the humans come along and throw a wrench in it.

Today we went to Chapman beach. It’s on the leeward side of the base and it is one of my favorite beaches. It is Easter Sunday and all I wanted was to feel the warmth of the sunshine and see the beauty around me. I wanted to be out in the midst of it, appreciating the many gifts He created. I wanted to praise His work. I wanted to feel the gratitude towards Him that comes from knowing that you are loved by your Creator. And I did. We did. It was such an amazing and surreal day. The weather, the water, the temperatures… all perfect. Good food, great friends, and happy kids. I appreciate that God proved through the death of our Christ that we can overcome death. I am willing to sacrifice anything He asks and to serve Him in any way He chooses. And yet… this is how He allows me to live. Prosperity can be frightening… but the blessings He has bestowed upon me humble me. I in no way deserve this life. I in no way deserve the ultimate sacrifice that He gave: His very life. And yet it is a gift freely given. So… why frightening?

Luke 12:48 “For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required: and to whom men have committed much, of him they will ask the more.”

But I’m ready… for whatever is required. Until then, I am reveling in the joy, beauty, and love around me!